I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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