You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
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We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?