is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad