my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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