genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.