Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
