3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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