you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You need a sexual gate keeper
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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