I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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