This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
