It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
