When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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