I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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