I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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