so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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