True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You did what with his pubic hair?
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