K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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