I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You need Xanax blowdarts
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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