dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My liver just had a heart attack.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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