Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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