Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
