Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
