I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
