Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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