Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
