Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
