Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
