I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
