I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wish there were birth control emojis
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
