So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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