Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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