i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
