hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I supernannyed him into submission
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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