Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
