Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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