everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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