I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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