yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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