I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
