R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
