remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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