I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
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BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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