I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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