Pappa wants mamma naked
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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