you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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