Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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