Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
