I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
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Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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