If that was your dad, he is hot
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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