Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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