Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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