I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
