I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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