Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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