Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
being pregnant is like rehab
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
