Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
