I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
