I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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