Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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