Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
