I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
