My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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