I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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