My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
